The Rotten Redhead
by Barbacar
Summary: Set at some point between "Scary-oke" and "Not What He Seems". Dipper has another unfortunate encounter involving undead lumberjacks.


Dipper was, for the first time in a while, alone in the Mystery Shack. The gift shop was closed, Soos and Wendy had gone home for the day, Mabel was visiting her friends, and Stan was pretty vague about where he went, but he used a lot of air quotes. So, for a couple hours, he had the place to himself. He didn't quite know what to do, though. He walked around aimlessly for a bit, eventually kicking over a strange object on the floor.

He picked it up and saw that it looked like some sort of tooth. It was rotten to the point of resembling a wood chip, and there was some sort of dried green substance on it. It was, of course, highly doubtful that a human could've left it behind, but it also didn't resemble the tooth of any creature he knew. Maybe there was a story behind it. He absentmindedly set it down on the counter before heading to the living room, getting a book he had been reading from a nearby table.

Dipper sat down on the couch and started reading for a few minutes before he heard the chime of the door opening. Looking through the doorway to the shack's gift shop, he saw Wendy enter.

"Hey, man." she said, heading for the counter. "Just coming back real quick 'cause I left my phone here."

"Alright, Wendy." said Dipper, turning back around.

A few seconds later, he heard an "Ow!" from behind him.

"Are you okay, Wendy?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Probably just a splinter or something." said Wendy.

"Alright, then." said Dipper, continuing to read. "Uh, by the way, do you know anything about any local legends about creatures with weird teeth?"

"Eh, not much." said Wendy. "Just the standard stuff about werewolves, vampires, that kinda stuff. One thing I do know is that teeth are the perfect thing for chewing tasty, delicious brains."

Dipper's eyes immediately widened, but he nervously laughed and said "Uh, what did you say? Must've misheard you."

"Oh, just that teeth are the best thing for tearing apart tasty, gooey brains." said Wendy. She was speaking at the same volume, but Dipper could hear that she was closer.

Dipper gulped and shakily set the book down on a table. He really didn't want to turn around, but he knew he probably should. So, he nervously turned around and quickly jumped back in surprise with a yelp when he saw that Wendy was standing only a few feet away from him. Her eyes were glowing pure white, her skin was a greenish grey, and her mouth was hanging open in a crooked smile.

"W-Wendy!" yelled Dipper, backing up. "You're a-you're a-!"

"Zombie?" said Wendy. "Yeah, I guess I am. Not sure how."

Wendy scratched the back of her head, and Dipper could see that the tooth he put on the counter was stuck into her palm. He quickly realized that it must have been a zombie tooth left over from the zombie incident. Or the first zombie incident, as it would likely be known from now on.

"So." said Wendy, looking towards Dipper with a grin. "Do you think it'd be okay if I had just a few bites of your brain? I'd be fine just eating some of the bottom."

"Now W-Wendy, no need to start trying to eat my brains so soon." said Dipper nervously. "You've only been a zombie for about a minute."

"Yeah, and I'm just kinda really suddenly hungry for brains." said Wendy, starting to lumber towards him. "It's cool if I eat yours, right?"

Dipper frantically ran around Wendy and sprinted across the room before hiding around a corner. He took some deep breaths. Things were going to turn out okay. He's dealt with zombies before, and he can deal with one again. Of course, he wasn't alone the first time, but he could manage. They found a way to cure Soos when he got turned into a zombie, and Dipper would just need to find the ingredients to make a new cure. Of course, he also needed to remember the ingredients.

Reaching into his vest pocket, Dipper pulled out the journal and hastily turned to the page on the undead. He didn't have time to appreciate any new meaning or irony the "often mistaken for teenagers" part might have had as he read over the ingredients to the cure. Formaldehyde, Paint thinner, salt, newt's blood, and cinnamon. All of them could be found around the shack. Even, for some reason, the newt's blood. He put the journal back in his vest pocket and prepared to look for the components of the cure.

That's when a gangly, greenish grey arm reached around the corner and grabbed him by the shoulder. "Hey, would it be cool if I also ate your heart? I don't know, it just seems like it'd go good with brains." called Wendy.

Dipper hurriedly pried Wendy's hand off of his shoulder, shuddering as he felt that her hand was ice cold and had no sign of a pulse. He decided to find a way to keep her distracted while he looked for the ingredients. He ran over to the TV and said "Hey, before you eat my brains, maybe there's something you'd like to watch."

He turned on the TV, and Wendy momentarily stopped trudging towards him. The show that was on was about beekeeping.

"Eh, seems kinda boring. I think I'll just skip to eating your brain." said Wendy, taking a step forward.

Dipper changed the channel. The show on was about a murder mystery at a circus.

"Eh, I already know how that ends." said Wendy, taking another step forward. "Not gonna spoil it if you wanted to watch, though."

Dipper kept changing the channel, hoping to find one that would distract Wendy.

"Nah. Too gloomy. Too loud. Too bright. Too dark. Too depressing. Too sugary. Already saw it when I was eight. I heard it kinda sucked. Too quiet. The ending kinda ruins it." said Wendy, looking at the various channels Dipper flipped to.

"Come on, why isn't there anything good on?!" said Dipper, frantically channel surfing. Eventually, he came to a channel that had a music video. Dipper didn't know that much about music, but if he had to guess, the song was some of cheesy pop ballad with a three part harmony. About a second after this thought, his eyes widened with dread as he recalled what the zombies' weakness had been the first time.

At the sound of the music, Wendy let out a scream and dropped to her knees, clutching her head in pain. Dipper yelped and immediately turned the TV off, crying "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! We, uh, don't need to watch TV. I'm gonna go for a bit."

Dipper ran off, making his way upstairs. He hurried to Stan's room, opening the closet to find a half-empty bottle of formaldehyde buried in a pile of miscellaneous stuff. Dipper looked at how much was still in it and saw that there should still be enough to make another cure. He took the bottle and left the room.

He carefully headed downstairs and saw that Wendy was laying on the couch, gnawing on her hat. Dipper tried to sneak his way to the kitchen, but a creaky floorboard gave him away. Wendy put her hat back on her head and turned to face him, saying "Oh, hey dude. You're just the brains I wanted to see."

Wendy pulled herself off of the couch and trudged towards Dipper, who backed up, saying "H-hey, Wendy, I'm gonna cure you, okay? I know how to get you b-better."

"Do you know where any other brains are?" asked Wendy with a smile. "It's just that, I'm really hungry so I might want another brain after yours, plus you're probably gonna want to eat some brains too, and stuff."

"I'll keep that in mind." said Dipper nervously, setting down the bottle of formaldehyde and running to the hallway. He paused to catch his breath as he pondered where he'd find paint thinner.

As he thought about some possibilities of where to find it, he heard a laugh from right behind him and a call of "Hey, Dipper, what's on your mind?"

Dipper turned to see Wendy hunched over, her disheveled red hair covering one of her eyes. "Here's a hint." she said with a smile. "It's my teeth!"

She reared back and opened her mouth before lunging forward. Dipper managed to dodge out of the way, causing Wendy to bite down hard on a doorknob.

Wendy recoiled, placing a hand on her mouth as Dipper saw that the doorknob she accidentally bit had been the one for the hallway closet. Maybe that's where the paint thinner was. He swung the closet door open, and accidentally hit Wendy in the face with it. After stammering out another apology, he searched through the closet, eventually coming across a can of paint thinner. He ran over to where he set down the bottle of formaldehyde and placed the can of thinner down next to it.

Dipper then hurried back up the stairs, dodging past Wendy and her calls of "Hey, man, your brain's smelling really good. Have you been thinking?"

Dipper ran up to the attic, making sure to lock the door behind him. He took that opportunity to take some deep breaths. Things were going to turn out okay. Everybody was going to live through this. Wait, why was that even a question? Why did he even need to wonder that? Things were going to be fine. He just had to get the rest of the cure.

Luckily, he wouldn't have to find and grind up a bunch of newts in the woods, because as he remembered there was still a vial of newt's blood somewhere in the room, kept in case there was ever another zombification incident. Which there was, of course.

Dipper searched around for the vial. Every nook and cranny in the room. No matter where he searched, he couldn't seem to find it. He started pacing around nervously. Okay, so maybe he lost the vial of newt's blood. He could still fix this. What was the worst case scenario?

The worst case scenario would probably be that he doesn't find a cure in time, and Wendy remains a zombie forever, or at least until she slowly rots out of existence.

Actually, maybe the worst case scenario would be that the infection spreads across more and more people until eventually every human on earth becomes a zombie with a craving for human brains that they'll never be able to fulfill, eventually all decomposing into billions of piles of flesh and bone, all combining together in a wall of death stretching across the entire globe in a gruesome end to the human race.

Dipper decided not to think of worst case scenarios in the future.

He sat down on his bed and took some deep breaths. He was going to fix this. He still had about nine hours before it would be too late to cure her. He wasn't going to have to go to Wendy's family and tell them that he turned their beloved daughter and sister into a walking corpse whose body is doomed to slowly decompose until there's nothing left of her but a pile of rot, and who knows what'll happen to her soul, maybe it'll-

Dipper stood up. He really couldn't keep thinking about the worst possible things that could happen. What he should focus on is making sure they don't happen. He was going to cure Wendy or get zombified trying, and if he couldn't find the vial with the newt's blood, he'll just find a way to get some more.

He then heard a muffled thunk coming from the door. And then another, louder this time. Dipper cautiously stood away from it. A third, considerably louder thunk, along with several loud cracking and snapping sounds, and the blade of an axe tore through the door, leaving a considerable gash in the top half. Dipper backed up nervously. A fourth axe swing tore chunks of wood from the door, leaving a gaping hole in it. A greenish grey, bruised arm reached through the hole in the door and unlocked it before opening it. Wendy entered the room, carrying her axe.

"Oh, hey Dipper." she said casually. "I just remembered that I had this. Pretty good for chopping stuff, huh?"

"Y-yeah. Guess so." said Dipper, anxiously, searching for a way out of the room. Wendy was standing right in front of the doorway, and he didn't really want to try jumping out of the window unless he was sure it was necessary.

Wendy lumbered towards him, clutching her axe in one hand. "And you know, I think it'd also be pretty good for chopping your head open so that I can get to your brain without having to eat through your skull!"

Dipper merely let out a whimper of fear as Wendy trudged closer, glowing eyes of pure white staring right at him. He took some more steps back until he was against the wall.

Wendy grabbed him by the vest collar with her free hand, lifting him into the air with little effort. He struggled to get out of her grip, but she was far stronger than he was. She smiled at him, showing off her now chipped teeth, and nonchalantly said "I think it'd be neat to see if it does. Let's find out!"

Dipper watched with dread as Wendy took a few practice swings. He could only think of one way to get out of this. He closed his eyes, reared his leg back, and with a sigh said "Sorry about this, Wendy." before swinging it forward, intending to kick her in the ribs or possibly the stomach just hard enough to get her to drop him.

He ended up hitting quite a bit lower, and quite a bit harder, than intended.

After a second or two, though it felt like much longer, Wendy let out a loud yelp of pain and dropped Dipper and her axe to the floor before crossing her legs and falling to the floor herself, groaning in pain.

"Oh my gosh, Wendy! said Dipper, starting to get to his feet. "I didn't mean to-! I thought it would-! I meant to-!"

From where he was, Dipper could see a small, glass object between the mattress and headstand of Mabel's bed. Walking over to it, he soon saw that it was the vial of newt's blood. Some of it was missing, but there was still enough for the cure. Dipper slipped the vial into his pocket, deciding to ponder what use Mabel could have for newt's blood later.

He then cautiously made his way to Wendy, still groaning in pain on the floor. He took this opportunity to pry the zombie tooth from her palm, so that it wouldn't infect her again when she was cured.

Dipper made his way downstairs, picking up the paint thinner and formaldehyde as he walked to the kitchen. He checked the cupboards to make sure there was cinnamon and salt, and unsurprisingly there was. He began to pour all of the ingredients into the blender, checking to make sure he was using the right amounts.

After pouring in all the ingredients, Dipper turned the blender on, figuring that it would quickly mix the ingredients together. Soon, he heard a whistling over the whir of the blender and saw Wendy walk downstairs, alternating between whistling a tune and gnawing on the blade of her axe. Dipper quickly turned the blender's setting to high.

"Oh, hey!" yelled Wendy over the blender's whir, brushing back her long and messy red hair. "You know, I kinda worked up an appetite following you around. Is it cool if after I eat your brains, I also eat your lungs and your guts? I've changed my mind about the heart."

Dipper didn't respond. He turned the blender off and removed the jug from it. "Please let this work. And if it doesn't..." he sighed and said "...then I just want you to know, I'm sorry, Wendy."

"I'll take that as a yes." said Wendy with a smile, tossing her axe aside as she trudged towards Dipper. Dipper simply stood still and waited.

Wendy grabbed Dipper and lifted him over her head, opening her mouth wide in preparation for a bite. Dipper quickly used this opportunity to take the cover off of the jug and pour the jug's contents into Wendy's open mouth.

As the zombification cure poured down her throat, Wendy's arms suddenly went limp, letting go of Dipper who landed on his feet. Her mouth and eyes were wide open as her eyes flashed various colours. Dipper stood back as he watched her skin gradually go back to normal.

Soon, her eyes went back to normal as well, and she blinked a few times before collapsing to her knees, clutching her head with one hand and her stomach with the other as she groaned "Oh, man, I feel like I just got hit by a truck full of ipecac."

Dipper ran over to her and gave her a hug, momentarily disregarding the awkwardness of doing so. "Oh gosh, I am so, so-"

"Sorry?" said Wendy.

"Well, yeah." said Dipper, releasing the hug and stepping back a bit. "It's just that I put that tooth on the counter, and it infected you, and-"

"It was just an accident. It's cool." said Wendy, looking a bit nauseous as she rubbed her stomach.

"And I'm also sorry that I, uh, almost made your head explode." said Dipper, looking down.

"Again, that was just an accident. Don't worry about it." said Wendy, who evidently still had a headache.

Dipper's face went red as he said "And I'm also sorry about, uh, kicking you in the-"

"I was trying to eat your brain at the time. I did kinda have it coming." said Wendy with a slight smile. "If anything, I'm actually kinda impressed. That was a pretty good kick. It hurt a lot."

She crossed her legs and winced, saying "Still kinda hurts, actually."

Wendy pulled herself to her feet and scratched her head, sheepishly saying "And, speaking of apologies, I'm sorry for trying to eat your brain back there. It was really uncool of me, I just, you know, was really, really hungry for brains."

"It's fine, you were kinda a zombie." said Dipper with a slight laugh.

Wendy laughed too before sighing. "That door's probably coming out of my pay, huh?"

"I'm sure we could think of a reasonable explanation for it." said Dipper.

"Well, you could say that you managed to stop a zombie apocalypse all by yourself." said Wendy. She grinned and said "You can leave out that it didn't spread past patient zero."

Wendy dusted herself off and said "Well, I better get going. If I'm out much later, my dad'll probably think I'm dead. Which I guess I kinda was for a while there. I think I'm gonna go home, lie down for a bit," she still looked rather nauseous as she said "puke my guts out, maybe get my stomach pumped," she gestured to her newly chipped teeth, which also had some splinters stuck between them, and said "and then I think I'm gonna go see a dentist."

"See you around." said Wendy, walking over to pick up her axe from the floor and her phone from the counter, placing them in her pockets before heading for the door.

"You too." said Dipper with a smile, waving.

Right before she got to the exit, Wendy turned around and said "Hey, Dipper? One more thing."

"Yeah?" asked Dipper.

"Thanks for making that cure so fast. That was some pretty smart thinking there, you must have a pretty big brain. I just might have to eat it later." said Wendy with a wink before heading out the door.


End file.
